I think that i am in serious need of starting a hobby. I cant honestly say right now i have no interests, and a horrible social life. I don't even think that i really actually have a personality that is unique. I don't do what i want to do, i don't live life on the edge, I don't drink anymore, and I don't do drugs either, but i could possibly be craving a joint right now.
I wonder what happened to me? Like, where the breaking point was and when i decided to lose myself entirely in this world of mine. Half the time i'm feeling alone, misunderstood and nervous. Will this feeling ever go away? I can barely look in the mirror anymore without wishing death upon myself, and im not kidding when i say, i can't live my life anymore without a change. I feel like i dug myself so deep in this hole that i don't know what the first step is in getting the hell out.
Do i change my friends?
Do i quit my job?
Do i run away?
Do i break down?
Man i am breaking down. I can't live a life of lies anymore. I've come to realize when you tell little lies throughout your days they become bigger lies, and you create bigger problems for yourself. For example, me going out is not an issue anymore. Simply because i choose not to do so. Everyone just pisses me off, or i feel like im not wanted. I know that's not true, but its like no matter what i do nothing is good enough or accepted. I feel like im a fly on the wall watching life pass me by. I wanna live, i wanna laugh til i feel sick again, i wanna smile so big it hurts my face. I wanna be the old me. Where did she go? I know i keep repeating myself but the bottom line is,
I can't find myself. and i dont know where i belong.
With my friends, i feel like no one even cares i'm there. It's like i'm not important and i'm invisible.. You know what they say about actions speak louder than words? Well maybe i'm really good at over reacting, or this statement is true.
ill finish this later
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